Taken from Actual Church bulletins:

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

Thank you, dead friends.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

My favourite is from a town hall notice board in Tacoma, Washington...

ADS (attention deficit syndrome) seminar thursday 5pm - 9pm

Some real sign boards - ENJOY! :

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office in Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.


The best!!!In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

In a Japanese cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Cheers!
Fouzan