An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to speak to the first man he sees and the man pipes up: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what aq panic's in thy breastie! Thou need not start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

The Englishman turns to the doctor accompanying him on the visit and asks what sort of ward this is. A psychiatric ward?

"No, No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."

As Basil Brush would say, "Boom, boom"

LOL

This is British humour written by Peter Perkins of www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk. It amused me!

Our Customer Charter.
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We employ people to work and get the money for it. That’s all.

We do not employ people to monitor performance and check breaches of a Charter with consequent compensation of £5 a day, provided access to the premises was allowed and Civil Disorder was not in progress.

We will probably come when we say, but do not dismount your bicycle, or eject the dummy from the pram, if we don’t.

There will not be a customer satisfaction survey following the installation, if it doesn’t work we presume you will have the sense to tell us.

We have certain legal obligations which we will abide by; we will not murder you or steal things, and we expect the same courtesies in return.

We answer the phone, if we’re not already using it, or we are not there. You will not get a compendium of other numbers to press. Nor will you receive Greensleeves on the Stylophone.

We do not seek to thrill and delight you, better leave that to the funfair or your sex life.

Satisfaction is not guaranteed, you are not even guaranteed to live through the installation period.

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We do not hope you have a nice day, you probably do not need to be told, and anyway you may well be having a day wallowing in self pity. Frankly, we don’t care either way.

You are not the most important person in the world, we are, or more specifically, I am.

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